Inhale and take the first step away from the pain
"With our baby bear" - the repeating memory of this post on his Facebook timeline was a hard blow for me. It's there, already slapping on my face, the heartbreaking, maddening truth.
I tried hard to steer clear of him, by any means. I don't know what urged me to have a glimpse of his Facebook profile. Well, yeah, I missed him, so badly that I felt like I was going to become a madman. That's it. But then, no matter how I put my guard up against his haunting memory, I gave in. I wanted to know, too, if he's getting well. He was sick and I was too worried that I almost wanted to text him and ask him if he's alright. I felt like I was going to explode. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to ask. So I peered in to his account. And that was the most dreadful momentum in my life.
"With our baby bear". Reading each word was a deep stab in my heart. I haven't seen the photos, though, but I know I've seen enough. It took seconds before those words sink in to my system. It felt like the world just stopped rotating from its axis. It was as if the sun has set and would never rise from the east. Everything was at still, deafening silence shrouded by devouring darkness. It's over. the four years of idiocy, foolishness and ridicule has reached its end.
I inhaled sharply and closed my eyes. That indescribable pain, it's just too much yet endurable. I didn't cry. My eyes were too dry with indignation and frustration. It ran out of tears and has no room to shed more to wash away the infuriating pain.
I don't have any reason to be angry with God. I don't blame anyone either. Even that guy. I'm not mad at him for leading me into this. It was my decision. My fault. And I have to suffer the consequences. I've already got a vision that if things won't work in my favor, I will be the one left, picking up my shattered self.
Now, I'm like drifting to nothingness. I feel weightless, numb and invisible. I would look from afar seeing nothing. I'm too weary and heavy of emptiness. This hollow space that he had left in my heart will always remind me that once in my life, I unconditionally loved someone. I believe that what we had was real. Call it summer romances or infatuation but I know there was something beyond words could describe. It has to end. It was brief, like a shooting star, a spectacular flashing light in the dark sky. It was bright and wonderful, passing for a fleeting moment, then it was gone.
I need to survive and I have to deal with the time. The process is slow and excruciatingly painful but it helps. Healing is not an abrupt procedure, indeed. Life has to keep on walking at its feet. Though, it seems like something was uninstalled out of my system, I have to get used to it, to inhale and take the first step away from the epicenter of the tormenting memory of him. It's just a matter of conditioning one's self as what Pavlov would suggest to me.
It won't kill me to try, to move on. In fact, what happened was already lethal. The fatal step has been taken.
I tried hard to steer clear of him, by any means. I don't know what urged me to have a glimpse of his Facebook profile. Well, yeah, I missed him, so badly that I felt like I was going to become a madman. That's it. But then, no matter how I put my guard up against his haunting memory, I gave in. I wanted to know, too, if he's getting well. He was sick and I was too worried that I almost wanted to text him and ask him if he's alright. I felt like I was going to explode. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to ask. So I peered in to his account. And that was the most dreadful momentum in my life.
"With our baby bear". Reading each word was a deep stab in my heart. I haven't seen the photos, though, but I know I've seen enough. It took seconds before those words sink in to my system. It felt like the world just stopped rotating from its axis. It was as if the sun has set and would never rise from the east. Everything was at still, deafening silence shrouded by devouring darkness. It's over. the four years of idiocy, foolishness and ridicule has reached its end.
I inhaled sharply and closed my eyes. That indescribable pain, it's just too much yet endurable. I didn't cry. My eyes were too dry with indignation and frustration. It ran out of tears and has no room to shed more to wash away the infuriating pain.
I don't have any reason to be angry with God. I don't blame anyone either. Even that guy. I'm not mad at him for leading me into this. It was my decision. My fault. And I have to suffer the consequences. I've already got a vision that if things won't work in my favor, I will be the one left, picking up my shattered self.
Now, I'm like drifting to nothingness. I feel weightless, numb and invisible. I would look from afar seeing nothing. I'm too weary and heavy of emptiness. This hollow space that he had left in my heart will always remind me that once in my life, I unconditionally loved someone. I believe that what we had was real. Call it summer romances or infatuation but I know there was something beyond words could describe. It has to end. It was brief, like a shooting star, a spectacular flashing light in the dark sky. It was bright and wonderful, passing for a fleeting moment, then it was gone.
I need to survive and I have to deal with the time. The process is slow and excruciatingly painful but it helps. Healing is not an abrupt procedure, indeed. Life has to keep on walking at its feet. Though, it seems like something was uninstalled out of my system, I have to get used to it, to inhale and take the first step away from the epicenter of the tormenting memory of him. It's just a matter of conditioning one's self as what Pavlov would suggest to me.
It won't kill me to try, to move on. In fact, what happened was already lethal. The fatal step has been taken.
Comments
Post a Comment